"If we are meant to be together, we don't have to fight for it, God will make us together."
I don't know since when I have a negative feeling about the saying of "The one", this term has a hidden meaning of getting free lunch in love from my personal comprehension. On the contrary, I believe there's a thing called "romantic fatality", I can meet millions of people in my life, but only a very tiny part of them would catch my sight, and only a few/one of them would have the opportunity to stay in a love relationship with me, that's the power of romantic fatality. Having this magnetic pair-up is all by luck and solely due to fate, because I cannot plan to meet a total stranger in advance by myself who I know is a potential partner. However, what is going to happen between me and that person is largely under my control. If I like him, I can date him, if I want to be with him, I can fight for this chance. To make things happen rely on my own effort, if I leave the relationship go dead without trying to maintain it, it would fade away eventually no matter how powerful the fatality between us, so there's really no free lunch!
No couples are meant to be together without putting effort, you won't be able to enjoy real love and happiness if you are not willing to fight for it and make sacrifice.
2010年9月22日 星期三
2010年9月21日 星期二
2010年9月16日 星期四
Cyclic mood of life
What makes me feel better when I am having a depressing mood in my recent life?
I happened to realize the need of keeping a macro view over my entire life, there were times of happiness, times of gloomy, times of uncertain, times of serene, but they are just parts of my life cycle. If I can stop dwelling on the situation at one particular point of time, I can basically cope with any ups and downs in an easier way.
I recently is undergoing the darkest phase so far in my life, losing the one that I loved and at the same time, searching myself with every uncertainties. I wasn't able to get along with this phase at the beginning, and time has really been very hard for me, but after going through a month of time and numbers of readings and writings, I discovered and adopted a different perspective - the current situation doesn't mean forever, my feelings, stresses I have, attitude I am adopting and the people with particular feelings, are elements that making up this difficult situation which only appears at this point of time. Each of these elements are prone to change over time, and their changes are interactive, so if one element changes, it may, at a large extent, trigger others to change as well, so the effect and magnitude are so great that we cannot even predict how the situation would be altered. The whole process may only happen in a blink of time without obvious signal in advance.
What I'm trying to say is if I feel powerless in changing the situation and altering my own feelings as well as others', I should stop lingering at this point and kick-back a bit. When I know that this is not going to be forever, and this suffering phase would end sooner or later, I feel relieved.
This methodology applies to the relationship with someone. I feel like I am so indifferent with the one I loved now which really irritates me a lot lately...I hate this kind of zero interaction, I hate not knowing anything about him all in a sudden, I hate we both disappear from each other life after we shared our most intimate feelings with each other. However, what is going on at this precise moment of time is not necessarily be happening in the rest of life, I'd rather interpret this period as a laid-back period in which we both have to chill out. If I try to zoom out from the situation now and have a general view on our relationship in the past few years, didn't we have gone through different phases with variation in intimacy over these years? What is happening now cannot be generalize to what is going to happen in the future, people change and situations will change.
On the other hand, I once was very frustrated about my failure in recovering from lovelorn. I was impatient to myself, I always had an immediate urge to have myself completely recovering from depression the next morning i wake up, but that's apparently impossible. Injuries need time to heal, so as psychological injuries. It's normal to keep observing the progress of recovery and thinking of thousand of ways to improve the situation from time to time, but when day after day, the feeling of pain remains and the first person comes up from my mind when I opened my eyes every morning is still him would make me think that I have no improvement at all, which is quite disappointing for a person who desperately wants to get out of this cycle. One way of cheering up myself in this 'static' situation is finding some change in my mood by comparing with the mood I had in Day 1 of recovery, like now, my heart would feel sour when thinking of the irrevocable relationship, but I won't cry anymore nor feel like being torn apart inside my heart, that is already a very encouraging improvement I have. By listing out all these minor differences, though there's only change in magnitude instead of jumping to 'zero' completely, at least there's no relapse, I should appreciate how much I've achieved so far. Taking these achievements into account, I can also predict that this curve would go in a one-way direction heading towards the goal, no matter how fast or how slow it will be in the later time, the day of complete recovery must be ahead of me for sure!
This is the perspective I discovered in this month of lovelorn, hope anyone out there who are suffering the same pain as mine can get some insight from my little personal theory. It's pointless to get over a person, because I believe no one I've ever loved is bad enough to deserve my alienation for life, it's about getting over a feeling/thought, to alter my feeling on a person is the core problem I have to face right now. Be the master of my emotions!
I happened to realize the need of keeping a macro view over my entire life, there were times of happiness, times of gloomy, times of uncertain, times of serene, but they are just parts of my life cycle. If I can stop dwelling on the situation at one particular point of time, I can basically cope with any ups and downs in an easier way.
I recently is undergoing the darkest phase so far in my life, losing the one that I loved and at the same time, searching myself with every uncertainties. I wasn't able to get along with this phase at the beginning, and time has really been very hard for me, but after going through a month of time and numbers of readings and writings, I discovered and adopted a different perspective - the current situation doesn't mean forever, my feelings, stresses I have, attitude I am adopting and the people with particular feelings, are elements that making up this difficult situation which only appears at this point of time. Each of these elements are prone to change over time, and their changes are interactive, so if one element changes, it may, at a large extent, trigger others to change as well, so the effect and magnitude are so great that we cannot even predict how the situation would be altered. The whole process may only happen in a blink of time without obvious signal in advance.
What I'm trying to say is if I feel powerless in changing the situation and altering my own feelings as well as others', I should stop lingering at this point and kick-back a bit. When I know that this is not going to be forever, and this suffering phase would end sooner or later, I feel relieved.
This methodology applies to the relationship with someone. I feel like I am so indifferent with the one I loved now which really irritates me a lot lately...I hate this kind of zero interaction, I hate not knowing anything about him all in a sudden, I hate we both disappear from each other life after we shared our most intimate feelings with each other. However, what is going on at this precise moment of time is not necessarily be happening in the rest of life, I'd rather interpret this period as a laid-back period in which we both have to chill out. If I try to zoom out from the situation now and have a general view on our relationship in the past few years, didn't we have gone through different phases with variation in intimacy over these years? What is happening now cannot be generalize to what is going to happen in the future, people change and situations will change.
On the other hand, I once was very frustrated about my failure in recovering from lovelorn. I was impatient to myself, I always had an immediate urge to have myself completely recovering from depression the next morning i wake up, but that's apparently impossible. Injuries need time to heal, so as psychological injuries. It's normal to keep observing the progress of recovery and thinking of thousand of ways to improve the situation from time to time, but when day after day, the feeling of pain remains and the first person comes up from my mind when I opened my eyes every morning is still him would make me think that I have no improvement at all, which is quite disappointing for a person who desperately wants to get out of this cycle. One way of cheering up myself in this 'static' situation is finding some change in my mood by comparing with the mood I had in Day 1 of recovery, like now, my heart would feel sour when thinking of the irrevocable relationship, but I won't cry anymore nor feel like being torn apart inside my heart, that is already a very encouraging improvement I have. By listing out all these minor differences, though there's only change in magnitude instead of jumping to 'zero' completely, at least there's no relapse, I should appreciate how much I've achieved so far. Taking these achievements into account, I can also predict that this curve would go in a one-way direction heading towards the goal, no matter how fast or how slow it will be in the later time, the day of complete recovery must be ahead of me for sure!
This is the perspective I discovered in this month of lovelorn, hope anyone out there who are suffering the same pain as mine can get some insight from my little personal theory. It's pointless to get over a person, because I believe no one I've ever loved is bad enough to deserve my alienation for life, it's about getting over a feeling/thought, to alter my feeling on a person is the core problem I have to face right now. Be the master of my emotions!
2010年9月10日 星期五
The need to be earthly
I've never objected people from being earthly, I believe living as an organism on earth, if we give up on being earthly, we would not be able to survive.
When people asking me what's the meaning of life, I would say there's no specific meaning, if, say, helping the needy can be the meaning of life, then what are the meanings of those life who are in need? When you think it through, it would be quite depressing, we wouldn't be that ridiculous to say their meaning of life is to make our life meaningful. Instead, I would say since I don't wanna die now, I already have every reason to stay alive. I cannot explain exactly why I don't wanna die, but I can find gratifications in every single day that stop me from thinking of dying.
It's an absolute true that every human being should have 1 or more lifetime goals to pursue. They aren't necessarily to be practical, it is like tying a bone on a dog's tail to keep the dog chasing its ass, so the lifetime goal(s) is to keep us walking. Those goals can be like buying a porsche, getting the best house in town or earning more than Bill Gate! As long as the goal(s) is not something immoral, I think it's vital for a person to get 1 or more to maintain one's psychological well-being. Moralists always say worldly desires make people blind, but I say when we live in an urban city like Hong Kong, it's hard to shut ourselves completely out from those worldly thing. Everybody knows how important these worldly little things play in the part of motivating our daily life, if what makes me feel happy for all day long is an It bag, why not get one for yourself while you can afford to have one? What I'm trying to say is unless we are achieving these earthly goals by giving up your conscience, it's not a problem at all to pursue any material things.
Of course I personally have goals that are totally not materialistic, like love, but love won't directly push us to work hard, to motivate us to learn or improve, to make implicit contributions to the society or even to the whole mankind. Only if we want to have a better life, to possess more luxurious property, we have to keep working and generating new ideas in exchange of money and reputation. If human beings are not working, I can't imagine how the world operate. If we are not earthly, I cannot find any reason to make us all working so hard all day long...
When people asking me what's the meaning of life, I would say there's no specific meaning, if, say, helping the needy can be the meaning of life, then what are the meanings of those life who are in need? When you think it through, it would be quite depressing, we wouldn't be that ridiculous to say their meaning of life is to make our life meaningful. Instead, I would say since I don't wanna die now, I already have every reason to stay alive. I cannot explain exactly why I don't wanna die, but I can find gratifications in every single day that stop me from thinking of dying.
It's an absolute true that every human being should have 1 or more lifetime goals to pursue. They aren't necessarily to be practical, it is like tying a bone on a dog's tail to keep the dog chasing its ass, so the lifetime goal(s) is to keep us walking. Those goals can be like buying a porsche, getting the best house in town or earning more than Bill Gate! As long as the goal(s) is not something immoral, I think it's vital for a person to get 1 or more to maintain one's psychological well-being. Moralists always say worldly desires make people blind, but I say when we live in an urban city like Hong Kong, it's hard to shut ourselves completely out from those worldly thing. Everybody knows how important these worldly little things play in the part of motivating our daily life, if what makes me feel happy for all day long is an It bag, why not get one for yourself while you can afford to have one? What I'm trying to say is unless we are achieving these earthly goals by giving up your conscience, it's not a problem at all to pursue any material things.
Of course I personally have goals that are totally not materialistic, like love, but love won't directly push us to work hard, to motivate us to learn or improve, to make implicit contributions to the society or even to the whole mankind. Only if we want to have a better life, to possess more luxurious property, we have to keep working and generating new ideas in exchange of money and reputation. If human beings are not working, I can't imagine how the world operate. If we are not earthly, I cannot find any reason to make us all working so hard all day long...
2010年9月8日 星期三
苛刻就是信任不信任
人們日常所犯最大的錯誤，是對陌生人太客氣，而對親密的人太苛刻， 把這個壞習慣改掉，天下太平。
這世上我會對兩種人特別苛刻，一種是我百分百信任的人，一種是我百份百不信任的人。
後者大致上是一些過路人（泛指完全無可能建立任何感情，如３客戶主任）或依我觀察沒有能力盡本份的人，因此我不信任他們。跟他們說話我會忍不住苛刻，板起臉，將事情可以有多嚴重就說得再更加嚴重！因為我是真心不信任他們的，並相信若我放棄把事情嚴重化地交代，他們是沒有可能達標的。
奇怪的是我對男友同樣是異常苛刻。不是我不信任男友，曾懷疑是否我天性頑劣，三尖八角的性格害事，我就是對男友都不太友善，甚至苛刻。我從前已知道自己愛罵人，一直沒多猜想原因，隨意歸咎於浮躁性格。直至「第二次半」問我何以常常罵他（都說他啟發我很多...），我再仔細想想，我在他面前永遠也毫無顧忌地說他不是，心裡要罵的都罵出口，有不滿的都全放在臉上，就算回顧到還是朋友時態度也大致相同。我承認我對男生就是比較不留面，因他們面皮夠厚，我都不花心神客氣（要知道要我這類不買賬女人客氣是比尋常人多花十倍氣力），但對著他就是一點悶氣也不肯受，常要求這要求那，要把他說到不能還口才罷手（回想起都有夠麻辣！）。分開後我想了很多我們的事，而關於這個問題，我個人解釋是我長久以來都太信任他。就算他跟別人交往了，我還是認為他是除了我家人和男友之外最不嫌棄我的人，到了最近我更加確信這一點，就是無論我多苛刻多做黑人憎事，他也會一笑置之，不放在心內，不是他視我如無物，是好像怎樣的我他都欣然接受，因我知道他已完全了解我真正是怎樣的人，我知道就算不時常保持討好他，他也會喜歡我、接受我。
我想亦舒說得對，我都習慣對親密的人太苛刻，但這不是罪吧，對信任的人展示真實的一面總比客客氣氣對一世的日子好過一點！畢竟我們日常生活中的每一分鐘都有著讓時間好過一點的希望。
亦舒說
這世上我會對兩種人特別苛刻，一種是我百分百信任的人，一種是我百份百不信任的人。
後者大致上是一些過路人（泛指完全無可能建立任何感情，如３客戶主任）或依我觀察沒有能力盡本份的人，因此我不信任他們。跟他們說話我會忍不住苛刻，板起臉，將事情可以有多嚴重就說得再更加嚴重！因為我是真心不信任他們的，並相信若我放棄把事情嚴重化地交代，他們是沒有可能達標的。
奇怪的是我對男友同樣是異常苛刻。不是我不信任男友，曾懷疑是否我天性頑劣，三尖八角的性格害事，我就是對男友都不太友善，甚至苛刻。我從前已知道自己愛罵人，一直沒多猜想原因，隨意歸咎於浮躁性格。直至「第二次半」問我何以常常罵他（都說他啟發我很多...），我再仔細想想，我在他面前永遠也毫無顧忌地說他不是，心裡要罵的都罵出口，有不滿的都全放在臉上，就算回顧到還是朋友時態度也大致相同。我承認我對男生就是比較不留面，因他們面皮夠厚，我都不花心神客氣（要知道要我這類不買賬女人客氣是比尋常人多花十倍氣力），但對著他就是一點悶氣也不肯受，常要求這要求那，要把他說到不能還口才罷手（回想起都有夠麻辣！）。分開後我想了很多我們的事，而關於這個問題，我個人解釋是我長久以來都太信任他。就算他跟別人交往了，我還是認為他是除了我家人和男友之外最不嫌棄我的人，到了最近我更加確信這一點，就是無論我多苛刻多做黑人憎事，他也會一笑置之，不放在心內，不是他視我如無物，是好像怎樣的我他都欣然接受，因我知道他已完全了解我真正是怎樣的人，我知道就算不時常保持討好他，他也會喜歡我、接受我。
我想亦舒說得對，我都習慣對親密的人太苛刻，但這不是罪吧，對信任的人展示真實的一面總比客客氣氣對一世的日子好過一點！畢竟我們日常生活中的每一分鐘都有著讓時間好過一點的希望。
2010年9月7日 星期二
我們每一次都比上一次認真
某些人的愛情，只是一種“當時的情緒"。如果對方錯將這份情緒當做長遠的愛情，是本身的幼稚。
二十出頭的我交往次數跟同輩比不算多，只有兩次半...最後半次好像很吊脆，但這是我自己認為最認真的一次。
有說尊重感情的人會發覺自己每次戀愛都好像最後一次，直至遇到那個＂他＂，才驀然發現之前的都不算什麼，甚至有藐視過去自己自以為認真的衝動...我的初戀發生在中三尾那年的夏天，對方人很好，待我像公主般。三個月的既定熱戀期過去了，他還是＂貨真價實＂，熱情從未退減，送回家的、自製禮物的、每日數次來電的...從來在女校混的我突然有男生呵護，當然年少無知，以為好感可以令兩個人走一世。曾經，他帶我到他親友家裡，看見他年輕的親友兩夫妻結婚同住別緻的單位，他還告訴我希望我們將來也一樣，美滿家庭，當時我們只得１６歲...但那時的我堅信自己會跟他一起一輩子，因為我們每一次都以為自己是認真的。
後來當然是我主動提分手，過程相當痛苦，那是我第一次長大的印記。
我發覺要去認為自己是愛一個人很容易，若我們只著重在那一刻的愛意。但隨著時間的洗禮，一刻的愛意不足以令兩個人一起把生命走完。要有勇氣認為自己有能力用一輩子去愛同一個人是最大難題，要有堅定的心，一份大得可以說服你自己這個人我跟定了的愛。這種心情，我是到第二次半才找到...不需長時間相處去培育，不需他把我視女王般看待（老實說他是最不體貼的一個），不需在他說十萬次「我愛你」之後才去肯定他愛我，不需他把整顆心都交給我...我仍然像中了邪的一頭栽進去...我認為這是我那顆堅定的心作祟，說服了我，然而交出這顆心時卻被重重摔下，弄得現在遍體鱗傷...
對第二次半的感覺還沒完全過去，所以我仍然覺得自己這次十分認真。可能一年後的我會再次對現在的自己嗤之以鼻，發覺其實這顆故作堅定的心不知所謂。最好是這樣！！因為我們每一次回首都會發現上一次做人都做得太虛偽。
三毛說
二十出頭的我交往次數跟同輩比不算多，只有兩次半...最後半次好像很吊脆，但這是我自己認為最認真的一次。
有說尊重感情的人會發覺自己每次戀愛都好像最後一次，直至遇到那個＂他＂，才驀然發現之前的都不算什麼，甚至有藐視過去自己自以為認真的衝動...我的初戀發生在中三尾那年的夏天，對方人很好，待我像公主般。三個月的既定熱戀期過去了，他還是＂貨真價實＂，熱情從未退減，送回家的、自製禮物的、每日數次來電的...從來在女校混的我突然有男生呵護，當然年少無知，以為好感可以令兩個人走一世。曾經，他帶我到他親友家裡，看見他年輕的親友兩夫妻結婚同住別緻的單位，他還告訴我希望我們將來也一樣，美滿家庭，當時我們只得１６歲...但那時的我堅信自己會跟他一起一輩子，因為我們每一次都以為自己是認真的。
後來當然是我主動提分手，過程相當痛苦，那是我第一次長大的印記。
我發覺要去認為自己是愛一個人很容易，若我們只著重在那一刻的愛意。但隨著時間的洗禮，一刻的愛意不足以令兩個人一起把生命走完。要有勇氣認為自己有能力用一輩子去愛同一個人是最大難題，要有堅定的心，一份大得可以說服你自己這個人我跟定了的愛。這種心情，我是到第二次半才找到...不需長時間相處去培育，不需他把我視女王般看待（老實說他是最不體貼的一個），不需在他說十萬次「我愛你」之後才去肯定他愛我，不需他把整顆心都交給我...我仍然像中了邪的一頭栽進去...我認為這是我那顆堅定的心作祟，說服了我，然而交出這顆心時卻被重重摔下，弄得現在遍體鱗傷...
對第二次半的感覺還沒完全過去，所以我仍然覺得自己這次十分認真。可能一年後的我會再次對現在的自己嗤之以鼻，發覺其實這顆故作堅定的心不知所謂。最好是這樣！！因為我們每一次回首都會發現上一次做人都做得太虛偽。
2010年9月6日 星期一
轉戰 Blogger
從來沒有想到一個由小到大極討厭打/寫中文字的我會跑去學人寫BLOG。其實我極其量是在中學時期跟同學湊湊熱鬧到XANGA寫寫每日發生的兩三事，還要因堅持不打中文去用當時的爛英文去寫，現在自己再看也感到臉紅...
XANGA 在我心目中很有意思，是一個充滿回憶的地方。在預科的時候我跟一個男同學曖昧，他喜歡用Xanga的Protected Post 跟我交換心情，所以我的Xanga 就好像變成我們的secret place, 當說起XANGA， 我都想起他。但他就是沒有追求我，所以我跟了另一個男生的在一起(即現男友)...對...我當時就是沒有很喜歡他。
這些年來，我們的心坎裡，就好像對當年沒有在一起的結果而感到若有所失，都保持有距離的友好關係(尚算萬幸)。縱使我們都沒有失去對方，偶爾還若無其事地相約看電影，但我們從來都不敢再捉碰傷心處，彷彿約定似的對往事隻字不提。這些年來我們其實都放不 下，暗似已將對方定位為永遠好朋友，時而親近，時而疏遠，但我一直認為真正放得下的一剎那應該是我們兩個都能敞開心扉，毫不忌諱地談論當年的我們...大學初期，我好幾次有衝動想鼓起勇氣問問看...但最後還是被他冷漠的臉孔擊退。直到他告訴我他終於找到一個十分適合的女生，我才慢慢接受了自己再不是那個霸佔他心目中女主角的人。
如果我們的相遇故事可以在這裡結束那會是一個多純真的青蔥故事，做一輩子的好朋友，對往事淡然到一笑置之，就算再回味都只會有甜蜜沒有苦澀。是我們在苦苦糾纏這早已消逝的情誼嗎？
可能這輩子我們註定要記對方一世，就只有傷得夠痛才肯定不會淡忘
每個人都要有過戀得深刻的經驗才會成長，這是福氣，所以他是我的福氣。現在我可以自信滿滿地跟人家說我跌過，痛過，低潮過，我知道在一些人眼中這小小情傷不算什麼，但這種經歷鍛練我的心，也教我令自己變堅強!
XANGA 在我心目中很有意思，是一個充滿回憶的地方。在預科的時候我跟一個男同學曖昧，他喜歡用Xanga的Protected Post 跟我交換心情，所以我的Xanga 就好像變成我們的secret place, 當說起XANGA， 我都想起他。但他就是沒有追求我，所以我跟了另一個男生的在一起(即現男友)...對...我當時就是沒有很喜歡他。
這些年來，我們的心坎裡，就好像對當年沒有在一起的結果而感到若有所失，都保持有距離的友好關係(尚算萬幸)。縱使我們都沒有失去對方，偶爾還若無其事地相約看電影，但我們從來都不敢再捉碰傷心處，彷彿約定似的對往事隻字不提。這些年來我們其實都放不 下，暗似已將對方定位為永遠好朋友，時而親近，時而疏遠，但我一直認為真正放得下的一剎那應該是我們兩個都能敞開心扉，毫不忌諱地談論當年的我們...大學初期，我好幾次有衝動想鼓起勇氣問問看...但最後還是被他冷漠的臉孔擊退。直到他告訴我他終於找到一個十分適合的女生，我才慢慢接受了自己再不是那個霸佔他心目中女主角的人。
如果我們的相遇故事可以在這裡結束那會是一個多純真的青蔥故事，做一輩子的好朋友，對往事淡然到一笑置之，就算再回味都只會有甜蜜沒有苦澀。是我們在苦苦糾纏這早已消逝的情誼嗎？
可能這輩子我們註定要記對方一世，就只有傷得夠痛才肯定不會淡忘
每個人都要有過戀得深刻的經驗才會成長，這是福氣，所以他是我的福氣。現在我可以自信滿滿地跟人家說我跌過，痛過，低潮過，我知道在一些人眼中這小小情傷不算什麼，但這種經歷鍛練我的心，也教我令自己變堅強!
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意見 (Atom)